CGA. Work. Fundraising. Sharing my Story. Online school. Trying to be present here. Trying to rest. Trying to take care of myself. Trying to communicate with friends and family at home. Trying to nourish this awesome & super hard long distance relationship. Trying to remind myself that all the pushback I receive isn’t a direct reflection on my worth. Trying to explain to people that I am asking for what I need in the best ways I know how to. Trying to admit and move forward from failing in that process. Trying to explain why I need help. Trying to explain that there’s no way I can possibly make enough money to pay my student loan payments without help. Trying to prove that I am trying. Trying. trying. trying.
Yikes.
I don’t share all of these things because I want you to feel bad for me. I chose this. I chose to come to CGA knowing that it was going to be harder for me here financially, time management wise, and support wise. I knew these next 4 months were going to be hard, and I still chose to come here. Maybe you’re thinking “why the heck would you do that?” “didn’t you just travel the world for 11 months, why this now?”. Right, yeah, this doesn’t seem to make sense to most people in my life right about now except for the people I am here with, and a select few others. I just got back home, I know. This seems selfish to “run off” and do another program linked with this organization. But I promise you this is one of the least selfish things I could do. CGA isn’t just for me, but of course I am going to benefit from these months of learning the depths about who I am in Christ, & who Jesus is beyond the religious blinders I seemed to pick up over the years. Of course I’m going to benefit from conversations about spiritual, emotional, and physical health and how to follow and honor God with our whole beings. Of course I’m going to benefit from talks about what vulnerability looks like in men and women and why we have let society form our reactions and views of the other genders’ attempts at being vulnerable.
Of course this is for me, but its NOT just for me. This is for my future self, my future husband, my family, my friends, my future family, etc. The things I am learning here aren’t just for me, they are profound things that I know with all of me will be applied to my future marriage and future life as a wife and a parent, as well as shift the way I show up in this world.
I can’t carry myself as a human being in the same way as I did before knowing what I know about how God the Father sees me & others, and how my parents have influenced my view of God. I cannot help but think about how those same connections might influence how others view God. I cannot know what I know about taking care of my emotions, spirit, and body and not do something about it in myself and want to teach and inspire others how to live this life with a more wholistic/holistic approach. I cannot know what I know about ownership and decision making and still choose to make small and large decisions in my life full of worry or fear. I cannot continue to hesitate to ask for what I actually need now that I know I have believed the lie for years that I am not worthy of receiving things I ask for because I think its a burden to other people. I cannot know what I know about relational reconciliation and not take responsibility for ways I may hurt people, & apologize even if it doesn’t exactly feel like it was my fault. I cannot interact with men the same way I negatively have before when I recognize their attempts at being vulnerable. I cannot communicate the same way about conflict anymore, or continue to push people away in my life out of self protection instead of choosing to pull people closer when the first thing I really want to do is push them away because they hurt me. I cannot know what I know about healthy communication and live my life the same way I used to. I need to speak up for what is right, I need to encourage people whenever I think it. I need to continue to question myself and others why we do what we do, and who we do what we do for? I cannot perceive someone’s judgement on me without now linking it to an area of great insecurity in their life, because I have learned that we often criticize people in our areas that we carry great amounts of shame (and I cannot help but recognize when I do this too). I cannot view marriage and motherhood the same way I used to knowing how deeply my relational wounds have impact the way I have viewed Jesus.
This is not just for me. I promise. There’s no way the things I am learning here will just impact me, to me, that’s quite impossible. Especially considering the fact that I’ve learned I am such a “do-er”, I thrive when I have application and the application is my life and the lives of everyone around me.
Keeping all of that in mind, I do want to say this simple thing on top of all of that.
I am sorry.
I am sorry to my incredible supporters I did not connect with after the world race was over, I blew it. I’m aware. I did not connect. I did not say thank you enough. I did not try hard to schedule that coffee date just to connect with you and build our relationship. I’m sorry I’ve made you feel like an ATM or someone I just connect with to ask for money. That’s actually not okay, and I’m genuinely sorry. And I promise to try my best to reconnect and share the ways in which your friendship and partnership with me are important to me.
I am learning, I am trying, I am failing, and I am sorry.
I am trying to pick up the pieces of my failures, but this time I’m not trying to do it alone. I know I have to do this with people, and I know darn well that I cannot do this season alone- financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically- honestly just all of it.
I cannot do this alone.
But to be honest up until recently its felt pretty alone, just me trying to juggle all of the moving pieces of my life, and feeling like everyone else around me is juggling far less than I am, which is not entirely true. The things everyone else is juggling are all just different. And as someone so sweetly reminded me recently- “Just because its different, doesn’t mean its wrong,”
That’s totally how I feel right now! I feel uncomfortable asking for what I need. It feels wrong & against what I’ve been fed my whole life by society, family, friends, etc: “work harder for it!” The exact perspective that has convinced me my whole life I am not actually allowed to ask for help with things that I actually NEED help with, I just need to work harder. And I’m telling you now I can’t work harder and actually really live, survive yes, but I want to live & be able to breathe, like I think most of us do. I can’t work more hours, do online school, go to class, and function as a healthy human being without help. And I no longer want to be ashamed for asking for help, for things I really need, but I do realize that may be uncomfortable and different to you too. But I think we grow most when we do things that are most uncomfortable to us, & just because its different doesn’t mean its wrong.
Its different to move across the country after being home for a month after being gone for 11months. Its different to ask for help financially for a leadership & discipleship program AND student loans. Its different to trust God to provide for my needs. Its different to ask people to ask God if they are willing to be apart of God’s redemptive story of provision and building the kingdom of heaven on earth through my life. Its different to move away from home where I had free gas and food, family to help me in the midst of wedding planning, a good paying consistent job, & awesome friends & family I miss a lot.
But just because its different doesn’t mean its wrong.
I understand my life looks different than the norm, and I don’t see that changing any time soon, I honestly hope my life always looks different than whatever “normal” is!
But I do know as a matter of fact that I am here in CGA learning not just for myself but for everyone else in my life too. And I do know that I am deeply sorry for not communicating that to people that are important to me, and for not connecting with everyone that supported me on the World Race. And I equally know that I cannot do this next season alone too.
I’m learning, and thank you for giving me grace as I fail, and continue to learn and transform. I promise, I am thankful for you! 🙂
I would love to connect with you if you’re reading this and have questions or just want to chat. I am here, and I also need all the support I can get! So please feel free to text or call (262-994-0480) email ([email protected]) or whatever other means you decide to reach out. I want to connect, I promise.
I am trying my hardest. I am here with purpose. & I cannot do this alone. & Again, I am sorry.
Here’s also me communicating and asking for things I need, woo growth!! How to partner with me in this season:
Prayer requests:
- financial provision
- discipline in time management
- finding out how I rest and actually doing it!
- Continued vulnerability in CGA class
Financially:
- $5,500 total for CGA (January 17th – May 30th ish)
- $1836 a month (March, April, & May)
- $633 a month for student loans (March, April, & May)
- total: $2044 a month– that is 21 $100, 11- $200, or 41- $50 monthly supporters
Other:
- Ask the Lord if there’s any people you can share my story with to also support me!
- Connecting me to your friends and or family as potentially partners in this season
- Share this blog with your people!
