People talk about slowing down like its the easiest thing you can do or something. When you’re used to running full speed ahead all your life, like myself, the concept of slowing down is not only foreign but wildly uncomfortable- physically and emotionally.
I requires us to feel the ground beneath our feet instead of just recognize it and then jump, leap, and sprint across it. I forgot what the raw ground beneath my feet felt like.
That was until I learned to slow down. My CGA roommate Shelby and I went on a walk one day and she challenged me to not only take my shoes of as we walked but to walk at her slow pace, she said “I think this’ll be good for you, let’s walk slow,” and of course I rolled my eyes and did it. That’s when I knew she knew me deeper than most people.
My pace of life is not typically slow. I’m always chasing after the next big thing.
I felt the dirt and the sand, the mud and the rocks beneath. I actively recognized little and beautiful details in the ground beneath my feet. Where I was walking and how I was walking suddenly became important, and the pace was so slow. But she was right, it was good for me.
And that is how I feel the past 2-3 months of my life has looked! Especially in CGA. I feel like I’ve been stepping slowly and tediously as I sift through the little details of my life that have impacted me greatly. I’m learning to truly be present where I’m at as I try to listen to what people are actually saying when they communicate. I feel like I’ve genuinely been taking a real evaluation of what’s going on right beneath my feet, and the things right in front of my face. In CGA we’ve called this interrogating reality.
The biggest question I found myself asking is “why?”
Why do I try to control everything around me when I feel out of control or scared? Why do I sometimes aggressively communicate? Why do I feel the need to stay busy all the time? Why do I not trust myself to make decisions sometimes? Why am I so quick to people please at times? Why does intimacy still scare me? Why do I push people I love most away? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I do what I do?
All the Whys….
But you know, something simple I’ve learned that I know I need to remind myself probably all the time, is first of all that I need to chill out and slow down, and that everything has a proper pace and timing to it.
All of these questions, dang.. they’re a lot! And because of that it has made me feel like I am a lot, & essentially too much to handle. Yikes…But as someone so graciously reminded me recently, yeah maybe I am “a lot” but that doesn’t mean I’m any less deserving of being loved and pursued and listened to. Being a lot isn’t bad! I think we’re all “a lot”, as in super dynamic human beings that carry a lot of things with them, but we just view all these things as bad, when really that’s not how other people necessarily see it.
Yeah I am “a lot”, but in my head I see that as I’m stubborn, and way too independent, and don’t know how to ask for help all the time when I need it. I’m super unpleasant to be around when I’m hangry, I’m emotional, I cry a lot, I’m too passionate, when I don’t exercise for a few days I’m not kind, I have dreams and goals that are “too big”, and I know I’ll travel a lot my whole life so how could someone want to stick around for those transitions, and I have expectations of relationships and family that I hope and pray come true- I see that as a lot in a sense that there’s no way someone could see all of me as I am and still choose me, and still say “yeah that’s the girl I want to live my life in deep intimacy with”, “that’s the friend I want to keep around forever and get to know the ins and outs of”, “that’s the girl I want to fight for no matter what”,“that’s the girls I choose”
Something else I’ve learned is that my perspective isn’t always accurate. People already look at me with actual excitement and say these things, Jesus says these things all the time to me, and so do my friends, my family, and my boyfriend. They choose me all the the time, and they care a lot more than I think I’ll really know. But then I think the same about them, ya know? I don’t think the people closest to me will ever actually know how much I care about them and want to fight for them. That’s something I’m not quite sure can be measured. We can’t measure love, its just one of those things that you just know that you know, but you can’t really explain why or how, or how much. You just do it and receive it and it changes your life if let it. Shoot! Its changed mine through so many relationships with human beings that are “a lot” just like myself.
We’re all human here just trying to find a life that’s full of purpose and love. But ultimately I think if we strip down the layers of what we’re actually after in life, love is the purpose. It’s the most fulfilling thing.
I also just thank God for Jesus that we get glimpses of what love really looks like!
Love is so uncomfy! It literally requires us to get outside of ourselves and get uncomfortable. Freaking vulnerability is uncomfortable, and man, good for you if you’re at the point where it isn’t uncomfortable anymore, but I hope I continue to find a new way to get uncomfortable loving people my whole life. I think if I stay comfortable I’m not actually loving well. And that includes loving myself well.
Yes, love is also super sweet and fun and that aspect of it can feel comfortable at times, but vulnerability and intimacy, ah yikes… that part of love is kinda scary. Showing all of me to someone else and hoping they unconditionally love and accept me and then open up to me in the same way, ah! Kinda terrifying! But also extremely beautiful!
I’ve always read the Bible verse that says “love is patient, love is kind” with a “yeah, of course, I know that” kind of attitude but man, this year as given that phrase and entirely new depth of meaning.
Being in a long distance relationship with someone I want to spend he rest of my life with and not physically seeing them for a year and a half…. Goodness gracious, if you talk about how patient love can be I‘m your girl, I might ask about it with some angst, but geez I’m here for it. Waiting is hard, and patience is tedious and frustrating! But I also think its really cool that this is apart of my story because I’ve been able to look at God’s heart in this.
I’ve been reminded that the whole reason Jesus came was to make sure we no longer have to have this funky and frustrating long distance relationship with God the Father anymore which is so freaking kind!! Just think of how long God wanted to be in an intimate relationship with us, a long long long time, but he waited knowing we would be in a real and close relationship with Him like we can now- how patient & kind is that, wow!! I feel like that’s my relationship right now, us just waiting for the sweet reunion. I’ve definitely gain quite a bit of perspective in the realm of understanding how much kindness and patience is required to fight for someone you feel so incredibly far away from and waiting for what feels like “too long” almost all the time. And I’m sure that’s how God felt/feels at times too. And let me tell you, I’ve felt a lot of anger and sadness in this waiting period. It’s a lot.
It’s a slower process that I wanted, and that’s frustrating, and makes me sad. But also this is just life! Things take longer than we anticipate or want. Things happen that are wildly out of our control that manipulate the timelines of plans in our head, things like, I don’t know…. a global pandemic! That changed things quite a bit for everyone, and it still is creating this state of “unknown” for a lot of us.
But I look back on it all and reflect on where I’m at, where my feet are at, and I can’t help but feel thankful and hopeful.
I’m thankful that I learned so much about myself, Jesus, how to chill out & slow down, proper pacing and timing, my responses to fear, what I’m afraid of, and how to overcome that fear one step at a time. One step only. Which means not running full speed ahead, aka bulldozing. I’m thankful I’m learning what it looks to take just one step and be okay with it. I’m thankful that there are things I cannot control because that means I cannot actually “mess up my life” even though l sometimes think I can when I fail. Thankfully God is too great and kind for that, & I don’t have that much power, I can’t actually “mess up my life” when I fail and mess up a few things here and there. I’m thankful Jesus never leaves me and actually speaks to me and gently redirects me when I need it. And I’m thankful that God speaks to me through other people and realizations I have in prayer and communion with the Father.
I’m thankful for the learning even though its been tedious and not super fun at times! And I’m so so hopeful that these big and small revelations have and will change my life in ways I don’t even know yet.
I’m hopeful that as I learn what it is to be loved that it seeps out of me to others. And I’m hopeful that interrogating reality & slowing down was and is good for not only this season but for my life, even if it looked super messy a majority of the times. I’m hopeful that it all has a purpose, and that the pacing and timing of healing in my heart and in this world is purposeful and significant. It is good, even if it’s a hot mess right now.
A word I used to describe CGA, my big takeaway has been the word wonder. To wonder is to engage in doubts, it’s those “what if” statements, and curiosity that create the interrogation of the reality of world around me, in my head, heart, and body. I’ve learned to ask the hard “why” questions and to bring those questions to God and others. I’ve asked so many times “Is this really how things should be” and realized that sometimes the answer is “no” and sometimes the answer is “right now, yeah”. I’ve learned to wonder, just like a little kid that asks a million questions a minute. And I’ve learned that God is never going to be afraid of any of my questions and doubts, he loves them! Just like how when we get to know people more we ask them all the questions about who they are, what they love, why they do what they do- that’s God too!! He loves my questions, he loves to show me who He is as I ask them, and He loves to show me who I am as I ask my many questions.
The way we ask questions actually tells people a lot about who we are. And people’s responses to our questions give us a chance to get to know them deeply too.
Questions are important. Doubt is important. Fear is important.
They’re things that don’t have to overwhelm or control us but that can guide us to greatness and to love if we let them.
And that’s really what its all about- love. Knowing we are loved, loving ourselves, and loving others. Which is exactly how we get to love God too, by loving.
Anyone who has spent time with me has probably heard me say “I just love, love!” Which is super cheesy and what not because I for sure am a hopeless romantic, but also I think that’s also just the way I want to live my life- excited about love! Excited to love anyone people that are harder to love than others, and excited to see people fall in love with themselves, other people, and Jesus.
Thats what its all about- love. And if there’s anything I want to my life to reflect its just that, love.
And sometimes really learning to love is messy and requires a lot of slowing down and a lot of patience! A few things I know I’ve struggled with but you know what, who doesn’t?!
My timing isn’t what’s important, God’s is. And my reactions to stress, fear, and chaos have shown me so much about God’s character. Dang He’s patient! And I’m excited to let these revelations of who He is and who I am sink in deeper and deeper my whole life. I don’t want to miss what’s right in front of me, I don’t want to miss an opportunity to love, slow down, and to learned more about God through the people around me or wherever else he mysteriously and wonderfully reveals Himself to me.
I don’t want to miss it. And I still will all the time, and that’s okay, we’re all human here.
But I will slow down, I will feel the ground beneath my feet, I will continue to interrogate reality, and I will love.
p.s. I’m home now! Back in Kenosha, WI and would love to catch up and share more about the World Race or CGA! Feel free to text me or whatever, I’d love to connect! (262-994-0480) also a HUGE THANK YOU to my supporters in prayer and financial partnership, I couldn’t have done this without you all! 🙂
